if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
we're making bets on your personal life
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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