she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
