shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
