The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
