shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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