Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
