the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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