You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
