Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
