someone threw a dead crab at me
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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