If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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