I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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