I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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