your thong is hanging out like whoa
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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