I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
