I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
