i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
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Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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