i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
