I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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