my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
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I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
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hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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