I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
