If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
