I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
