i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
