oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
