i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
