good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
