Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
