Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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