: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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