Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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