I wish I could teleport
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Are we still banned from the library?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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