my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
