and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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