She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I want her autograph on my taint
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
