you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
