theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
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She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
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He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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