in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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