if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
