i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
