your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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