I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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