What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
They are going to name an STD after you.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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