it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you had me at cake vodka
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
