the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
