I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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