It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
