After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
