I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
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Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
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Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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