i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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