why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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