I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
