i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
