how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
