if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
