If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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