You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
