i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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